to add to the confusion

 

i sit here. thinking. trying to decide some amazing way to write my feelings away. but maybe that's the whole problem. i don't want to write away my feelings. i don't want to think away my feelings.
 
i don't want to forget my feelings. i don't want to forget my memories. our memories.
 
through the good times and the bad, you have always been there. i hope it stays that way. as long as that is okay with you. i guess the only thing i can turn to now are the words of people before me, people smarter than me. every time i listen to this song, i think of you. the lyrics seem to show at least a fraction of my feelings.
 
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return well, I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you..."  -Wicked
 
i wish i had a better way to describe how i feel. a good way to tell you, and everyone, the reasons i do what i do. i guess the only person who knows is God. because i certainly have no clue what i am doing.
 
i feel like i am back in ninth grade. leadership team retreat. on a blind hike. i have no clue where i am, where i am going. all i know is that the person that is leading me can see the way. they know where i need to go. they can see where i need to go to make it through the rough spots safely.
 
for now, the only thing i can do is trust in the all seeing man, God. because, he knows better than me, better than you, better than all of us.
 
there are two things i need you to know. one. a best friend, in my eyes, is the best thing and most important thing right now. it is what i need. and always remember. there are two things in life that we can always count on to help us work things out. God, and the beautiful lyrics he puts into people's heads.
 

"A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws."

when life gives you lemons....

"when life gives you lemons, make lemonade".

the thing is, i'm not always the greatest cook. i can't even take a lemon and make lemonade.

just when life seems like it's going perfect, something has to happen. it's like the universe doesn't want me to have more than five minutes of happiness.

i find something, or someone that makes me happy. happier than anyone else. i smile, laugh, and spend hours sweating away in a giant solar oven, otherwise knows as a car, just so we can talk.

i feel happy and perfect. up until my mind decides that just a little bit more sugar would help to make my lemonade taste so much better.

joke's on me. the sugar must be broken. because all it does is make things sour.

when apologies don't seem to cut it, and leaving it alone only makes things worse, what else can you do? start a blog. here i can write. here i can attempt to write.

here i can vent. here i can tell the truth.

i hope that she knows the truth. i hope that she knows that the three minute three second phone call at eleven ten didn't help me at all. i hope she knows that it only made me feel worse. i hope she knows that i still care. i hope she knows that she is still in my mind. constantly. i hope she knows that deep down, somewhere inside, below all of those crazy genes, i do love her. i just need to figure out how first.

let's just hope that the sugar isn't broken anymore, cause life keeps handing me lemons and i want to add just enough to fix our lemonade.