a very unsatisfied desperate mind.

 

this may be void of beauty, and void of captivation, but it is the truth. the truth of what i believe.

why do we have to be so complicated? is it universal? this complication? this desperate mind? or is it a unique experience?

striving for the best, and knowing that everything is happening for a reason can keep you going. but it can also keep you at a very unsettling stand still. why do certain things have to happen? why did they have to happen at that exact moment in time? why couldn't it wait, why did it have to come at a time where everything gets messed up.

why are we given complications that stop all froward progress. why do we need to move backwards? didn't that previous state of mind already happen? didn't we already work our way through that? why do we need it again?

there is no simple answer. let me re-phrase that. there is no worldly simple answer. there is no way to describe how and why this happens. however, there is one simple answer. the one answer that keeps us all going. God.

as long as we keep our minds set on the right goal, the right perspective, the right God, we will all be fine. he is there for the ups and downs, he didn't just give them to us to conquer alone, with an empty heart and confused mind. he gave them to us to become stronger and learn, sometimes without the help of his logic or guiding hand.

left only with my thoughts.

"let your past make you better, not bitter" -unknown

there are so many ways and ideas to help you live your life to its fullest. to live your life the best you can. of course we all want our lives to be amazing. we all want to do something with our lives. something that will change the world. or at least our world. because of this, we have these guidelines and suggestions to help us live. one of the "most important"ways to live, is to forget your past and live in the future.

however, there is also another saying that is tossed around these days. goes something like this - easier said than done. now that is the saying that opposes every other life rule or guideline. it complicates things. especially for me.

the past. what a topic. don't get me going. if you do, i won't stop. i can't stop. living in the past stunts the growth of you present and future. i know. but a lot of times, especially of late. especially with the realization of where i could be right now at this moment. i could be fulfilling my dreams. becoming what i have always wanted to be. conquering the world. conquering my world.

the past is a confusing thing. mostly because we all have dreams. when we forget those dreams to pursue something else, we realize that our dreams are down the drain. i realize that i let my biggest dream go. the dream that kept my life moving. that kept me motivated.

the only thing worse than letting go the dream of a life time is letting go of the dream of a life time when you have already conquered the dream. realizing that  you were there. you could have been where you have always wanted to be. living life. wet. in shape. making memories. heck, even making history. who know? that's the problem, the who knows part. all i have are my guesses, my reasoning. knowing that right now, today, i could be at the top, the top of everyone.

it's a hard feeling. a feeling that i don't know how to get over. i know that the dream is still possible. almost out of my reach. but still right there.

all we have to do is get over that hill. the lump of regret sitting in our stomachs. get back to where we were. get back to what we could have been. become what we have always strived to be. set new goals. stepping stones. set our sights high. set our sights on what we want to become. and don't let go. never let go. because this is what we have. we have regrets. and we have hopes and dreams. dreams that can be acquired. all we need to do is choose which one is the better way to live. the better way to live with ourselves when it is all over. are we going to regret not living with our dreams or are we going to reminisce on what we have become. what we have conquered.

always remember -

"happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product of a life well lived" - eleanor roosevelt.

a word to describe it all. confusion.

for three weeks my mind has been wondering. exploring the possibilities. trying to come up with perfect. again. but sometimes perfection is just out of our reach. sometimes we need to settle for less. and just let it all out. we don't always have to say things in an eloquent way. we can say things to get them out of our heads. we can say things to let other people know how we feel.

so. here it goes. the five words that have been weighing so heavily on my mind these past three weeks. bittersweet. hope. excitement. love. sincerity. each word describes different experiences. different people. some of them are very connected. some are not. that is why i have been avoiding instead of writing. i have been trying to think of the perfect word that sums every feeling i have right now. but it's impossible.

 
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first. first we have bittersweet. bittersweet tastes like semisweet. a good thing. with a bad taste. bittersweet is being with people i love. being with taylor. tanner. cait. bittersweet is reminiscing about the things that we have done. the things we have seen. and the craziness we have embarked upon with each other. bittersweet is saying goodbye. or not saying goodbye. how do you say goodbye for two years? how do you accept that the last time that three best friends got to be together was almost a year ago. and won't be able to happen again for almost three years. bittersweet is not being there to say goodbye to your best friend who will be leaving for two years. bittersweet is not being able to sufficiently say goodbye to your best friend. knowing that you will see her soon, but not soon enough. bittersweet is not getting to say goodbye at all to the girl who has always been there. bittersweet are the goodbyes.



hope. hope is the realization that you will be able to see the people you love again. hope is that things might have a chance at being the same again when you get back. hope is the light in the dark tunnel. hope is knowing that your best friends will always be there for you. hope is technology. skype. texting. calling. and even writing letters. hope is staying in touch.

 

third is excitement. excitement for you and everyone around you. excitement is the realization that you will see your friends again. excitement is knowing that tanner is having the opportunity of a life time. excitement is knowing that my time to make a difference is coming soon. excitement is knowing that we are both doing the right thing. excitement is a friend getting married. excitement is knowing that cait will be back. in a long three months. excitement is here. we just have to look hard enough.

 

 love. love is here to keep us connected. love is my family. love is my friends. i hope they realize. i do love them. they are the best and i hope they know that. i hope they know i will always be there for them under any circumstances. love will never die.

 

last. i have sincerity. sincerity in my apologies. to the person with does mean a lot. to the person i spent my summer with. to the person who care. to the person who is truly sincere. in everything. my apology is overdue. but still needed. i am sorry for my insincerity. for my selfishness. for shutting you out and for being insensitive. my apology is for not giving the perfect gifts. my apology is for everything. just know i am truly sorry. just know i do still care.