a word to describe it all. confusion.

for three weeks my mind has been wondering. exploring the possibilities. trying to come up with perfect. again. but sometimes perfection is just out of our reach. sometimes we need to settle for less. and just let it all out. we don't always have to say things in an eloquent way. we can say things to get them out of our heads. we can say things to let other people know how we feel.

so. here it goes. the five words that have been weighing so heavily on my mind these past three weeks. bittersweet. hope. excitement. love. sincerity. each word describes different experiences. different people. some of them are very connected. some are not. that is why i have been avoiding instead of writing. i have been trying to think of the perfect word that sums every feeling i have right now. but it's impossible.

 
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first. first we have bittersweet. bittersweet tastes like semisweet. a good thing. with a bad taste. bittersweet is being with people i love. being with taylor. tanner. cait. bittersweet is reminiscing about the things that we have done. the things we have seen. and the craziness we have embarked upon with each other. bittersweet is saying goodbye. or not saying goodbye. how do you say goodbye for two years? how do you accept that the last time that three best friends got to be together was almost a year ago. and won't be able to happen again for almost three years. bittersweet is not being there to say goodbye to your best friend who will be leaving for two years. bittersweet is not being able to sufficiently say goodbye to your best friend. knowing that you will see her soon, but not soon enough. bittersweet is not getting to say goodbye at all to the girl who has always been there. bittersweet are the goodbyes.



hope. hope is the realization that you will be able to see the people you love again. hope is that things might have a chance at being the same again when you get back. hope is the light in the dark tunnel. hope is knowing that your best friends will always be there for you. hope is technology. skype. texting. calling. and even writing letters. hope is staying in touch.

 

third is excitement. excitement for you and everyone around you. excitement is the realization that you will see your friends again. excitement is knowing that tanner is having the opportunity of a life time. excitement is knowing that my time to make a difference is coming soon. excitement is knowing that we are both doing the right thing. excitement is a friend getting married. excitement is knowing that cait will be back. in a long three months. excitement is here. we just have to look hard enough.

 

 love. love is here to keep us connected. love is my family. love is my friends. i hope they realize. i do love them. they are the best and i hope they know that. i hope they know i will always be there for them under any circumstances. love will never die.

 

last. i have sincerity. sincerity in my apologies. to the person with does mean a lot. to the person i spent my summer with. to the person who care. to the person who is truly sincere. in everything. my apology is overdue. but still needed. i am sorry for my insincerity. for my selfishness. for shutting you out and for being insensitive. my apology is for not giving the perfect gifts. my apology is for everything. just know i am truly sorry. just know i do still care.

the good. the bad. and the technicolor.

 

 

like everyone, i have good and bad days. good days are usually amazing. and the bad days are usually horrible. there is no gray. i am living my life in a black and white movie.

don't get me wrong. there is nothing wrong with black and white. especially black and white cinema. some of the most amazing and original ideas have come from black and white movies. take alfred hitchcock. he basically redefined the definition of horror.

anyway. back to the real idea.

good days. good days are long chats on the phone. long conversations on skype. catching up with those that matter. those that make the difference.

good days are easy tests. passed tests. perfect tests.

good days are when your teacher actually knows what he is saying.

good days are when you love what you chose to wear that morning. especially when you love it through the whole day.

white days are, for lack of a better word, the good days.

black days are tough.

black days are when the depression takes over. when i think nothing is going right.

black days are failing a test. black days are hating your teachers.

black days are filled with cooking and cleaning.

black days are thinking that the only reason you are here is to do things for everyone else.

black days are irrational.

remember that. black days don't matter. and they're only black because you make them that way. life is always brighter when you decide to open your eyes and realize that you were wrong. your life is great.

aside from the black and white. there is always a little bit of color. sometimes, a burst of color.

color comes from funny jokes on twitter.

color comes from the three hour class that only lasts for thirty minutes.

bursts of color come from the humor that leaves addam's mouth.

that's right addam. this is for you. finally. i have been wanting to write you something for a long time. i have been thinking about it a lot. don't think i didn't want to. i just didn't know how to. you mean a lot to me. i just wanted it to be perfect. cause you can always put a burst of my color into my day.

your bursts come from the times you scream up the stairs at me.

the times you burst into my room and make me laugh so hard i fall off my bed.

the times you run around like a weirdo.

the times you speak in your own made up accents.

the times i realize that you are awesome and i couldn't have asked for a better roommate. a better example. a better friend.

there will always be black and white. but there will always be color. you just have to find where that color comes from.

times gone by. times to stay.

 

this post is going to be my first non complaining post. this post goes out to the friends of the thick and thin. the friends of the hour(s).

i guess we will go in the most logical order there is. from morning to night.

my first friend starts very early in the morning. at about 5:00 on monday, wednesday, and friday, and around 4:45 tuesday and thursday. then on saturdays he was there almost every waking and non waking hour. give or take a few. our week days started out the same. working out. monday wednesday and friday were filled with running, push-ups, and some weird tai-quan-do, made up by grant. tuesdays and thursdays consisted of mostly snowy, pitch black drives to american fork just so we could be in the pool, no later than, 5:15. we work our butts off. trying to sweat out all of the chlorine from the previous practices. we attempt to shower in the few minutes we have before school starts. classes go on and then we meet again at the pool. swim laps like there is no tomorrow. like we can even get anywhere, the pool is only 25 yards long. but we still swim about 5 miles.

"we never know a good thing till it's gone" -the script

it was on a evening the first saturday of february 2012 that i realized how much i loved you man. i never knew how much i would miss you and miss the time that we got to spend together.

here's to the miles we swam, the practices we skipped, the hundreds of dollars we spent on lazer racers and speedos. dome caps and vanquishers. heres to the times in your car we counted burnt out head lights. the times we almost got pulled over. heres to the time you drove me home when my goggles almost cut my eye out of it's socket. the times we took speedo pictures. in the winter. in the snow. at the lake. heres to my lost underwear at lone peak. heres to the 11 years you have always been here for me. here is to the sweat, tears, and blood that were shed from our various talks, practices, and time spent together. heres to a hope that it will never end.

here's to tanner frandsen.

the next period of the day would be the afternoon. the time where nobody wants to do anything. and here is to the friend that let me do nothing, yet everything. our time always started when school got out. we would do nothing. but we got to do everything we ever wanted. eating was our habit. didn't matter if we were hungry or not. he is the person that will always be here no matter what.

"I'm like the stink on your feet. I ain't ever goin' anywhere." -bedtime stories.

here's to the friend who will always be my friend. here is to the shopping trips. the clothes bought. and the money wasted. wait who am i kidding?! it wasn't wasted! here is to the homework done. the homework not done. here is to the food. here is to the dates. the dances. and the girls. here is to the good and bad. here is to the happy and sad. here is to the friends we had. and the friends we have. here is to the movies seen. the waters swam in. heres to the inside jokes. the outside jokes. the movie quotes. heres to california and mexico. here is to always being there for eachother.

here is to tyler warnick.

 

the next friend is there all the time. but is most important to me at the time when everyone else is asleep. our lives together started not very long ago. however, strange it is that our paths didn't cross earlier. but, who cares? it's like i've known you all along. you are a natural best friend. you are so easy to talk to and too easy to care so much about. our talks happen late at night. usually don't start until about one and don't end till who knows when. i love our talks. they are exactly what i need. keep em coming.

"Friends are Gods way of apologizing to us for our families." -unknown

here is to the hope that the quote i used didn't upset you. here is to the time that we didn't know each other. and here is to the greatest times when we did know eachother. here is to the late night. the early morning. here is to the rock hard brownkies and warm gooey brownies. heres to the up lifting words. and the honest words. here is to the times that have past. and here is to the times that are yet to come.

here is to mardi thomas.

 

here is to the twenty four hours seven days a week friends. here is to cait hepworth for being there. even though we didn't talk that much during senior year. even though she lives across the country. here is to kenzie plante. my sister. who is engaged now. here is to taylor martinez. my best friend who always will be the greatest. here is to ali larson. who i have known the longest. fighted with the most. but kissed a million times (when we were 6). heres to gavin and ellie. my forever fourteen year olds. heres to chad and ben. heres to the roomies - especially matthew and addam. heres to jordan and elizabeth. here is to everyone. love you guys!

"I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light." - Helen Keller