a very unsatisfied desperate mind.

 

this may be void of beauty, and void of captivation, but it is the truth. the truth of what i believe.

why do we have to be so complicated? is it universal? this complication? this desperate mind? or is it a unique experience?

striving for the best, and knowing that everything is happening for a reason can keep you going. but it can also keep you at a very unsettling stand still. why do certain things have to happen? why did they have to happen at that exact moment in time? why couldn't it wait, why did it have to come at a time where everything gets messed up.

why are we given complications that stop all froward progress. why do we need to move backwards? didn't that previous state of mind already happen? didn't we already work our way through that? why do we need it again?

there is no simple answer. let me re-phrase that. there is no worldly simple answer. there is no way to describe how and why this happens. however, there is one simple answer. the one answer that keeps us all going. God.

as long as we keep our minds set on the right goal, the right perspective, the right God, we will all be fine. he is there for the ups and downs, he didn't just give them to us to conquer alone, with an empty heart and confused mind. he gave them to us to become stronger and learn, sometimes without the help of his logic or guiding hand.

left only with my thoughts.

"let your past make you better, not bitter" -unknown

there are so many ways and ideas to help you live your life to its fullest. to live your life the best you can. of course we all want our lives to be amazing. we all want to do something with our lives. something that will change the world. or at least our world. because of this, we have these guidelines and suggestions to help us live. one of the "most important"ways to live, is to forget your past and live in the future.

however, there is also another saying that is tossed around these days. goes something like this - easier said than done. now that is the saying that opposes every other life rule or guideline. it complicates things. especially for me.

the past. what a topic. don't get me going. if you do, i won't stop. i can't stop. living in the past stunts the growth of you present and future. i know. but a lot of times, especially of late. especially with the realization of where i could be right now at this moment. i could be fulfilling my dreams. becoming what i have always wanted to be. conquering the world. conquering my world.

the past is a confusing thing. mostly because we all have dreams. when we forget those dreams to pursue something else, we realize that our dreams are down the drain. i realize that i let my biggest dream go. the dream that kept my life moving. that kept me motivated.

the only thing worse than letting go the dream of a life time is letting go of the dream of a life time when you have already conquered the dream. realizing that  you were there. you could have been where you have always wanted to be. living life. wet. in shape. making memories. heck, even making history. who know? that's the problem, the who knows part. all i have are my guesses, my reasoning. knowing that right now, today, i could be at the top, the top of everyone.

it's a hard feeling. a feeling that i don't know how to get over. i know that the dream is still possible. almost out of my reach. but still right there.

all we have to do is get over that hill. the lump of regret sitting in our stomachs. get back to where we were. get back to what we could have been. become what we have always strived to be. set new goals. stepping stones. set our sights high. set our sights on what we want to become. and don't let go. never let go. because this is what we have. we have regrets. and we have hopes and dreams. dreams that can be acquired. all we need to do is choose which one is the better way to live. the better way to live with ourselves when it is all over. are we going to regret not living with our dreams or are we going to reminisce on what we have become. what we have conquered.

always remember -

"happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product of a life well lived" - eleanor roosevelt.

a word to describe it all. confusion.

for three weeks my mind has been wondering. exploring the possibilities. trying to come up with perfect. again. but sometimes perfection is just out of our reach. sometimes we need to settle for less. and just let it all out. we don't always have to say things in an eloquent way. we can say things to get them out of our heads. we can say things to let other people know how we feel.

so. here it goes. the five words that have been weighing so heavily on my mind these past three weeks. bittersweet. hope. excitement. love. sincerity. each word describes different experiences. different people. some of them are very connected. some are not. that is why i have been avoiding instead of writing. i have been trying to think of the perfect word that sums every feeling i have right now. but it's impossible.

 
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first. first we have bittersweet. bittersweet tastes like semisweet. a good thing. with a bad taste. bittersweet is being with people i love. being with taylor. tanner. cait. bittersweet is reminiscing about the things that we have done. the things we have seen. and the craziness we have embarked upon with each other. bittersweet is saying goodbye. or not saying goodbye. how do you say goodbye for two years? how do you accept that the last time that three best friends got to be together was almost a year ago. and won't be able to happen again for almost three years. bittersweet is not being there to say goodbye to your best friend who will be leaving for two years. bittersweet is not being able to sufficiently say goodbye to your best friend. knowing that you will see her soon, but not soon enough. bittersweet is not getting to say goodbye at all to the girl who has always been there. bittersweet are the goodbyes.



hope. hope is the realization that you will be able to see the people you love again. hope is that things might have a chance at being the same again when you get back. hope is the light in the dark tunnel. hope is knowing that your best friends will always be there for you. hope is technology. skype. texting. calling. and even writing letters. hope is staying in touch.

 

third is excitement. excitement for you and everyone around you. excitement is the realization that you will see your friends again. excitement is knowing that tanner is having the opportunity of a life time. excitement is knowing that my time to make a difference is coming soon. excitement is knowing that we are both doing the right thing. excitement is a friend getting married. excitement is knowing that cait will be back. in a long three months. excitement is here. we just have to look hard enough.

 

 love. love is here to keep us connected. love is my family. love is my friends. i hope they realize. i do love them. they are the best and i hope they know that. i hope they know i will always be there for them under any circumstances. love will never die.

 

last. i have sincerity. sincerity in my apologies. to the person with does mean a lot. to the person i spent my summer with. to the person who care. to the person who is truly sincere. in everything. my apology is overdue. but still needed. i am sorry for my insincerity. for my selfishness. for shutting you out and for being insensitive. my apology is for not giving the perfect gifts. my apology is for everything. just know i am truly sorry. just know i do still care.

harmonizing the harmonies

"life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated." confusious.

why do we always strive to make things more complicated than they have to be? why do we feel the need to change things that are already perfect? when something is beautiful and perfect already while still being simple, why would you add to it, changing it, making it complex and confusing? don't we always say that there is beauty in simplicity? why would we try and harmonize with the harmonies?

number one thing on my list of things to remeber. life isn't meant to be over complex. sure, it isn't easy. it isn't supposed to be. it is hard. but for a reason. and it is only supposed to make up think and challenge us to a certain point. why do we have to make it harder on ourselves. harder to live in. harder to listen to. why would we try to harmonize to the harmonies? why wouldn't we just try to be the harmony.

we live in a world of the high class, the hipsters, the indie, the cooler than everyone else. we live in a world that strives to be different. we live in a world full of competition and doubt. we live in a world of one ups. we live in a world that is confused. we are all unique in our own ways.

why would we hide those ways to make ourselves look unique in ways that someone else is already unique? why does everyone need david beckham hair? do we realize that nobody will be different if we are all changing into the same thing? aren't we born with qualities and talents that make up shine? that make us unique? of course. so why is everyone striving to be the next change, the next different, when the different is already instilled in them?

why don't we stop and realize that we don't have to stand out. we don't have to show everyone by our looks and style, by the type of music we listen to, the words we say, or even the tone we use.

how about we be the change that is already in ourselves. how about we show our true potential. be freaky, play the piano, be obesessed with harry potter, show everyone who we truely are. show everyone that we are unique by being ourselves.

how about we find a way to express ourselves other than trying to always win, always be better, the better singer, the louder singer, the better musician, the better athlete, the better person. how about we find a way to truely express ourselves in a postive way, a way that will not only help ourselves, but help others.

what about honesty? honesty is unique. in these days, nobody is honest. we live in a world that is supposed to "change". has it changed? in the way it was supposed to? was that honest? we have been promised things that haven't come true. we have banished all honesty.

honesty, let's start there. here. now. you and me.

i am obsessed with london.

i like listening to british music, because i like london, not because it's "unknown".

i like being sarcastic, for better or for worse.

i like the way i dress because i feel good that way, not because it is different.

i am not afraid to be too "mainstream"-sometimes mainstream is fun. try it.

i am not afraid to tell the world that i am good at school. and i rock my math class.

i am also not afraid to say that i suck at history, i am horrible in any history class.

i am not afraid to tell you that i like to write. that i like to express myself. in my own way.

i need to say that, sometimes i need a break from people. time to be alone. time to think.

i also am a quiet person. i like to listen and fix. i don't like to tell and share. so don't be surprised if i
don't open up to you. or won't open up to you. prying is not going to help.

there it is. my honesty. now. what can you do to show your honesty? what can you do to show that you are unique, by being yourself?

"be yourself, because everyone else is already taken". oscar wilde.

unknown

 

 

 

the world is full of unknowns. there are quotes all written by an "unknown". our minds are full of unknowns. unknown possibilities. unknown ideas. unknown. it's an empty word, yet, it is a word full of everything and anything.

tonight my unknown is full. i want to write about something amazing. something beautiful. poetic. captivating. but my overflowing unknown is taking over. i don't know what to write to fulfill my need of the unknown. i don't know what to say to catch everone's attention. to make you want to keep reading.

i strive for perfection. i strive for imperfection. only because i am such a perfectionist. my perfection in imperfection is what is keeping me from writing what i am really thinking. i want it to be perfect, but know that it doesn't have to be. but the obsessive compulsive in me is taking over.

to fulfill my need i have decided to not write about my problems, or writing about things from the past, i have decided to just stick with what is amazing right now. here. and now. in this moment.

i love the tough life i live. i love the challenges i face. i love being busy. i love the friends i have made and continue to make. i love the fun things i do. and heck, sometimes i even love the boring things i do, because math can actually be fun.i love living with my brother, even if it sucks at the same time. i love the tough life i live.

"do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment".

the ugly truth...

"some people just deserve a high five. in the face. with a chair"

sometimes, telling the truth isn't the right way to go about fixing your problems. sometimes, telling the truth is the only way you can go about fixing your problems. then. then there are cases like this. when, telling the ugly truth is the only way you can feel relief. mostly because you have wanted to say these things forever.

i know it's not nice. and i know it's not proper. that's why they call it the ugly truth right? let's hope so, cause here it come. a whole load of the ugly truth. just to get it off my chest. just hold on. i promise. once i get through this, things should, hopefully, get better. at least it will feel better to finally say what needs to be said. and heck, you will probably never read this. you probably don't even know that i have a blog.

here it is.

do you not listen to yourself? your words, your actions, your breathing? shut up! it's rude, it's annoying and it makes me so frustrated.

do you not realize tha your actions do in fact make a difference in other people's lives? yeah. hate to break it to ya, but it changes things. things that i have to deal with. it makes it so much harder to stand you. i hate the things you do and i definitely hate thing things you don't do. cause, honestly, you do next to nothing.

i'm glad that you are cooler than everyone else. i am glad that you are so special. i'm glad that you have had everything handed to you on a silver plater. i'm glad that you get whatever you want. i'm glad that you have the nicest things, and do the coolest things. i'm glad that you are the most in considerate person i have ever met.

i'm glad that everything you touch turns into gold. i'm glad that everything you do is better that what others do. especially me. news flash, you're not really better. i'm glad you have to win or your life goes in reverse. right back to when you were two. right back to that attitude.

i'm glad that i actually don't have to deal with you for that much longer.

yeah, you're great. but too much of a good thing can always turn into a bad thing. and in your case, this is a very bad thing.

wow. that was rude. and very fitting. it needed to be said. just like the dishes and the laundry need to be done. at least this got done. at least i feel relief. at least i finally got to say what i needed.

excuse the ranting. if you didn't like it too bad. i don't care. cause it probably wasn't about you. or you. cause the world actually doesn't revolve around you and everything isn't about you.

"the truth hurts"

the good. the bad. and the technicolor.

 

 

like everyone, i have good and bad days. good days are usually amazing. and the bad days are usually horrible. there is no gray. i am living my life in a black and white movie.

don't get me wrong. there is nothing wrong with black and white. especially black and white cinema. some of the most amazing and original ideas have come from black and white movies. take alfred hitchcock. he basically redefined the definition of horror.

anyway. back to the real idea.

good days. good days are long chats on the phone. long conversations on skype. catching up with those that matter. those that make the difference.

good days are easy tests. passed tests. perfect tests.

good days are when your teacher actually knows what he is saying.

good days are when you love what you chose to wear that morning. especially when you love it through the whole day.

white days are, for lack of a better word, the good days.

black days are tough.

black days are when the depression takes over. when i think nothing is going right.

black days are failing a test. black days are hating your teachers.

black days are filled with cooking and cleaning.

black days are thinking that the only reason you are here is to do things for everyone else.

black days are irrational.

remember that. black days don't matter. and they're only black because you make them that way. life is always brighter when you decide to open your eyes and realize that you were wrong. your life is great.

aside from the black and white. there is always a little bit of color. sometimes, a burst of color.

color comes from funny jokes on twitter.

color comes from the three hour class that only lasts for thirty minutes.

bursts of color come from the humor that leaves addam's mouth.

that's right addam. this is for you. finally. i have been wanting to write you something for a long time. i have been thinking about it a lot. don't think i didn't want to. i just didn't know how to. you mean a lot to me. i just wanted it to be perfect. cause you can always put a burst of my color into my day.

your bursts come from the times you scream up the stairs at me.

the times you burst into my room and make me laugh so hard i fall off my bed.

the times you run around like a weirdo.

the times you speak in your own made up accents.

the times i realize that you are awesome and i couldn't have asked for a better roommate. a better example. a better friend.

there will always be black and white. but there will always be color. you just have to find where that color comes from.