a word to describe it all. confusion.

for three weeks my mind has been wondering. exploring the possibilities. trying to come up with perfect. again. but sometimes perfection is just out of our reach. sometimes we need to settle for less. and just let it all out. we don't always have to say things in an eloquent way. we can say things to get them out of our heads. we can say things to let other people know how we feel.

so. here it goes. the five words that have been weighing so heavily on my mind these past three weeks. bittersweet. hope. excitement. love. sincerity. each word describes different experiences. different people. some of them are very connected. some are not. that is why i have been avoiding instead of writing. i have been trying to think of the perfect word that sums every feeling i have right now. but it's impossible.

 
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first. first we have bittersweet. bittersweet tastes like semisweet. a good thing. with a bad taste. bittersweet is being with people i love. being with taylor. tanner. cait. bittersweet is reminiscing about the things that we have done. the things we have seen. and the craziness we have embarked upon with each other. bittersweet is saying goodbye. or not saying goodbye. how do you say goodbye for two years? how do you accept that the last time that three best friends got to be together was almost a year ago. and won't be able to happen again for almost three years. bittersweet is not being there to say goodbye to your best friend who will be leaving for two years. bittersweet is not being able to sufficiently say goodbye to your best friend. knowing that you will see her soon, but not soon enough. bittersweet is not getting to say goodbye at all to the girl who has always been there. bittersweet are the goodbyes.



hope. hope is the realization that you will be able to see the people you love again. hope is that things might have a chance at being the same again when you get back. hope is the light in the dark tunnel. hope is knowing that your best friends will always be there for you. hope is technology. skype. texting. calling. and even writing letters. hope is staying in touch.

 

third is excitement. excitement for you and everyone around you. excitement is the realization that you will see your friends again. excitement is knowing that tanner is having the opportunity of a life time. excitement is knowing that my time to make a difference is coming soon. excitement is knowing that we are both doing the right thing. excitement is a friend getting married. excitement is knowing that cait will be back. in a long three months. excitement is here. we just have to look hard enough.

 

 love. love is here to keep us connected. love is my family. love is my friends. i hope they realize. i do love them. they are the best and i hope they know that. i hope they know i will always be there for them under any circumstances. love will never die.

 

last. i have sincerity. sincerity in my apologies. to the person with does mean a lot. to the person i spent my summer with. to the person who care. to the person who is truly sincere. in everything. my apology is overdue. but still needed. i am sorry for my insincerity. for my selfishness. for shutting you out and for being insensitive. my apology is for not giving the perfect gifts. my apology is for everything. just know i am truly sorry. just know i do still care.